You’ve met a nice guy, everything seems to be going well – but what happens if he's bad in bed? It turns out most of us would choose to sack them off rather than try and train them up.
New stats from online sex toy retailer lovehoney.co.uk have revealed 56% of Brits would break up with their bad lover, with 25% of those revealing they had already done so in the past. Ouch.
We asked our sex and relationship yoda, Tracey Cox, what she thought on the matter:
“The politically correct answer of whether you should dump someone who is bad in bed is of course no. But bad sex early on, isn’t a great sign - especially if you’re someone who is very sexual,” explained Tracey.
“Sex at the start of a relationship is fuelled by raging sex hormones and novelty. Both these factors can mask ineffective technique. When they wear off - and they do, even in the sexiest relationships - that’s when you get a glimpse of your ‘real’ sex life. Technique becomes important and your libido moves back to ‘resting’ level. That’s when you need good communication to keep things going.”
We asked Tracey to give her advice on some of the most common problems…
High Vs Low libidos
“If you eat, drink, sleep sex but have a sneaking suspicion your partner wouldn’t notice going without, then you have mismatched libidos. It’s one of the most common sex problems experienced by couples and while it is fixable, you’re in for a battle.
The question is, how much do you like this person? If you’re lukewarm about the whole thing, save yourself a lifetime of trying to balance sexual scales and get out now. If you really, really like them then continue. One way to try and fix it is for the higher sex person to accept that solo sex sessions are going to substitute partner sex at least some of the time. The lower sex person should also indulge in solo sex, particularly if female, and use a vibrator to increase the amount of orgasms they are clocking up. The more orgasms your body has, the more it wants.”
Adventurous Vs Conservative
“Their idea of a wild session is sexy lingerie, your version would include a lap dancer wearing it and doing a private dance for both of you. So how do you meet in the middle?
If your partner is simply shy or inexperienced, they may not have had the opportunity to explore anything out of the norm. With a bit of encouragement, a timid lover can quickly turn into a terrific one. What’s crucial is their central attitude to sex. Have they just led a sheltered life or do they secretly think sex is something ‘dirty’, to be endured rather than enjoyed? If it’s the former, stick around. If it’s the latter, you’re going to have to challenge their childhood and/or religious presuppositions to make a difference. This isn’t an easy job. Do they want to change? Are you willing to put the work in? It’s do-able but it’s going to take effort.”
Selfish Vs Inexperienced
“Possibly the most important thing to establish when sex isn’t great is whether your partner cares whether you’re fulfilled or not. In other words, is it inexperience or indifference. Technique can be taught. Selfish lovers don’t want to learn and usually don’t change.
It’s easy to find out which camp your partner falls into: ask them to do something for you in bed (‘Honey, I’d love it if you’d play with my breasts/give me oral for longer’). Do they respond eagerly, asking you for more feedback on everything they do? Or do they sigh, sulk or ignore your request? If it’s the first, hang in there if you’re happy playing teacher for a bit. If it’s the second, put your clothes back on this instant, head for the door and don’t look back.”