Career mums: Can women really have it all?

There are a myriad parenting manuals and websites to accompany you on your journey into motherhood. But when it comes to the fork in the road when you need to decide ‘what next?’ I found there to be nothing but tumbleweed – and a lot of unanswered questions.

How will I afford the childcare? Will my employers let me go back part-time? How will my baby be affected if I go back full-time? How will I get my work done if I have to leave early? Am I putting our family finances at risk by going freelance?

The late Cosmopolitan editor, Helen Gurley Brown, famously believed a woman should not have to choose between her family and her career. She believed that women could “have it all”. She hadn’t experienced the cost of UK childcare in 2013.

I agree with Gurley Brown: women should not have to choose between motherhood and career success. But if you’re trying to work out a realistic plan that enables you to juggle work and children in today’s world, my advice would be to erase those three little words (“have it all”) from your mind.

It may be just semantics, but the ‘women can have it all’ ideal (aside from assuming that family and work are everything) puts an enormous amount of pressure on women to achieve perfection, thus setting them up for failure.

For one, we don’t all want to be a ball-buster in the boardroom and a domestic goddess in the home. For another, it doesn’t take into account the external forces that render us powerless (soaring childcare costs, gender inequality in the workplace). And importantly, it implies that the onus is on the mother to do the family/career juggling.

Try replacing ‘having it all’ with ‘making it work for you’ and remember this is the objective not of the woman (some women are perfectly fulfilled without children) but of the family.

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How We Make It Work…

The decision I made (with my husband) was to leave my full-time job at the end of my yearlong maternity leave, put my son in nursery for three days a week and work as a freelance writer from home, around childcare.

I’m very fortunate that I have a job that allows me that flexibility and think life for working families could be much improved if more companies embraced freelance and/or working-from-home culture.

But if you’re picturing an idyllic ‘Carrie-Bradshaw-meets-The-Waltons’ set-up, you couldn’t be further from the truth. As I write this, it’s almost 1am, and I have already been interrupted three times by screams through the baby monitor. Working through the night and cancelling weekend plans are the norm for me now.

The challenge is that a) I can’t afford to turn down work (our nursery fees are extortionate and I need to prove my reliability and credibility to editors) and b) My commissions always seem to come in on the days my son isn’t at nursery.

To keep things afloat, a shared commitment to the parental and domestic duties is essential. When I’m on deadline, my husband takes charge as soon as he gets home from work.

Sarah, 37, a fellow freelance writer and mother of an eight-year-old daughter, warns me, “There’s always something” and when your child gets sick, it will *always* be when you’re on deadline.

“Being freelance feels like a house of cards,” she says. “It only needs one little thing to go wrong, and it all comes tumbling down. As a result, I'm now very wary about leaving work until the last minute and I try to make sure that I'm always a little bit ahead, just in case there's some last minute disaster.”

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There is also, of course, the financial insecurity of being self-employed – even riskier with childcare bills to foot. Sarah adds: “On the occasions that I do have to cut back on work – when my daughter has been ill, or during summer holidays – my income takes a real hit.”

For greater flexibility without losing your financial security, returning to work on a part-time basis, or with flexible arrangements, is an alternative solution. As a parent you may have the right to request flexible working arrangements, whether this is rearranging your shifts to fit around nursery pick-ups, working part-time, doing condensed hours or working from home.

Laura, 29, an events manager and mum of two (aged two and four), returned to work on a four-day week: “I have found my organisation to be very understanding and supportive about my flexible working requests,” she says. “After both babies I have been able to do a phased return using my accrued annual leave. I also have a permanent change of contract through flexible working.”

Laura is fortunate to work for a company with a progressive attitude to parental leave. For her, the greatest issue is not at policy level but with the attitude of her colleagues and line-managers.

“I get comments like ‘well your only a part timer’ implying my commitment isn't there because I work fewer hours. Even my manager once said, "Well I wouldn't expect you to work as hard as the others because you have kids."

Everyday discrimination leveled at part-time mothers is not uncommon. Another symptom of this skeptical attitude is being sidelined and overlooked for projects and promotions.

Lisa, 36, a fashion lecturer, says: “When working part time I returned from my second maternity leave to find my responsibilities downgraded. The team was also a little grumbly about me leaving earlier (I started work earlier).”

Feeling bad that you’re not putting in the same hours as your colleagues is just one in a long line of reasons to feel guilty (guilt about neglecting your child if you work full-time, guilt about not providing for your family if you don’t work full-time…). Sometimes it feels like you can’t win. I say, if you’re trying your best to make it work, then you’re doing an amazing job. Do your family know you love them? Then drop the guilt and feel proud.

Of course, for many families, having both parents work isn’t even an option, thanks to prohibitive childcare costs. According to children’s charity, The Children’s Society, 3.5 million children in the UK are living in poverty and six in 10 of those are in working families on a low-income.

On 16 July, the Department of Education published its long awaited ‘More Affordable Childcare’ report, following on from the ‘More Great Childcare’ report published in January.

It is welcome news that childcare issues are being prioritised but there is still a long way to go, according Lily Caprani, Director of Communications, Campaigns and Policy at The Children’s Society.

It’s clear that a cultural shift is long overdue – it’s imperative that all families have access to affordable childcare and discrimination against working parents needs to be addressed.

In the meantime, enjoy this time in your life. For all the 1am starts and desperate afternoons taking business calls with a sick child screaming in the background, this is undoubtedly the happiest and most fulfilling time of my life.