Is the Big Proposal the most outdated thing about marriage?

There are many things about being engaged and getting married that are completely old fashioned and backwards that grate on my equality-loving heart.

The ring marking me as ‘taken’, being ‘given away’ as if I belonged to someone else, the assumption that I will need to diet into my dress, the virginal white dress itself, the fact that everyone keeps thinking this will be My (not Our) Big Day… The list is pretty much endless.

If I were a better feminist I might eschew the entire institution altogether, but instead I’ve managed to reframe marriage in a way that allows me to marry (haha) my feminist self with my inner bridezilla.

But one of these things that always has and continues to sit wrong with me is the idea of The Proposal. And it’s not just because the one I received was, well, a bit pants.

I’ve listened to grown men quake at the fear of getting it right, making it perfect, making it meaningful. And I’ve heard women bang on about how they were proposed to – on mountaintops and beaches, in beautiful restaurants, with all manner of props and helpers, verbose speeches and plenty of tears.

I’m not denying that it’s amazing to fly your girlfriend halfway around the world to a beautiful destination on the rouse of a work trip, appear out of nowhere and present a diamond held aloft by a troupe of trained kittens. But it’s a bit crap if you then put it on YouTube, PR it out and bask in the glory of being the Greatest Fiancé Ever. (This happened, minus the kittens.)

And by that extension, any proposal you see in the newspapers or on YouTube is just a bit…ick.

[Christmas Eve marriage proposal (this is what I'm talking about)]
[The top 5 worst marriage proposals]

I once wrote about engagement traditions and how I was completely comfortable with the idea of asking my partner to marry me. I didn’t get round to it before him as it happened, but I remember even my most equality-striving friends being surprised, and frankly disagreeing.

“It’s usually the man that takes longer to be ready for marriage, so he’s the one that needs to ask so you’ll always know that it was his decision,” explained one, unleashing yet another marriage cliché on me.

When it came to our engagement, I found out later that Adam had carted the ring around in his pocket for most of our holiday. It travelled up to the peak of Mount Kinabalu with us, jetted across the waters to beautiful sandy beaches and was just a metre away from my sleeping head in our jungle camp.

But there was ‘never the right time’. Probably because so much weight has been put on the way the question’s asked that it becomes a hugely pressurised, stressful set piece, when it really needn’t be.

And even though I always wanted to avoid the cliché OTT proposal because I didn’t want either of us to try and create a Disney cartoon out of our relationship, Adam still felt the strain.

Eventually, on the last night of the holiday I was presented with a ring in our hotel room. The story and the moment belongs to the two of us so I won’t go into details but suffice to say there was no troupe of performing kittens, no grand speech declaring undying love and no outpouring of hysterical tears.

[Another adorable proposal alert]
[The perfect recipe for a marriage proposal revealed (This is exactly what I'm talking about)]

Fortunately I love my boy and we’re an equal partnership so rather than be hurt by his inability to be romantic, I just think the whole thing has great comic value that comes in handy when telling the tale to friends and family. And as one of the main reasons I’m with him is that he can, without fail, make me laugh, that’s fine by me.

But I can’t help thinking we need to take this pressure off the question and make it instead a grown up discussion between two people rather than a grand gesture made by one to another. Remove the secrecy, the pressure and the expectation and we might get some way towards starting the journey towards marriage on a more down-to-earth footing. And yes, I know I’m somewhat killing the romance. But we all know that dies pretty quickly anyway.

Marriage doesn’t sound like an easy journey for any couple, so why are we trying to start it off with something so whimsical? If the proposal’s perfection, surely the only way to go is down…

Don't miss next week's Don't Tell the Groom: The Ring Thing.
Missed last week's? Don't Tell the Groom: I'm getting married: Shouldn't I be more exicted?