Wedding blog: Help! I hate all wedding dresses

Where did the white dress thing come from and do I have to wear one?

Perusal of Pinterest, Google image search and wedding blogs shows me that there is a theme to wedding dresses: They are just not me.

I know there are myriad choices out there and that there is supposedly a dress to fit any body type, personality and wedding style, but I have yet to see one that even approaches being appropriate for me.

Basically, I hate all wedding dresses (except yours, it was lovely and looked perfect on you) and I don’t want to wear one.

[Wedding planning: Where the heck do you actually start?]
[I'm getting married: Shouldn't I be more excited?]

The idea of trying them on does absolutely nothing for me. Even the lure of drinking Champers and laughing at the most ridiculous crochet toilet roll cover designs is limited. I am going to look like a crap bride.

Because though I fear the white dress, I do want to look like The Bride. So my fear is that I’ll end up wearing one because it’s the thing to do, and not pulling it off.

I know I could wear something totally different and non-bridey and not even white, but it’s probably the only time I will ever have the opportunity to stand out in pictures so I’m torn. I feel that if I don’t wear white, I’ll have to wear something even more extravagant to stand out and that defeats the object.

A wise soon-to-be-married friend explained that she’d gone for a pretty OTT wedding dress because she wanted to wear something she ‘would never wear ever again for anything’.

Hers is lace and fishtail and genuinely does look amazing on her. And barring a sudden change of career to one with red carpet requirements, she won’t ever wear anything like it again.

[Iconic wedding dresses on display at the V&A]
[The ultimate wedding checklist]

I’m not judging her or anyone else who chooses to wear a magnificent Disney gown for the wedding. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime event and worthy of the finest fabric. I wish I had the personality, style and figure to pull a similar dress off, it would make things a whole lot easier. But I would just feel silly and not me.

For me, just wearing a dress at all feels pretty momentous, regardless of how nice it is. How do other tomboy brides get round this? I have yet to attend a wedding where the bride isn’t in a long white dress.

I have a huge list don’t wants and pretty much no dos for this outfit. I don’t want it to be too big, it can’t have any kind of sparkles or silvery bits or diamantés or sequins. I don’t like bling. I don’t want any chiffon or crepe or feathers. I don’t want a sweetheart neckline, or any sleeveless design in fact. I don’t want the skirt to restrict movement in any way. I don’t want a train. But I also don’t want a short dress that makes me look like a little girl or a pixie. Anything at all relatable to a tutu is utterly unacceptable.

God help my mum and Best Woman.

I looked into why we wear white dresses to get married in.  And actually it’s not as traditional as you might think. Back in the day it was all about wearing your best for the pivotal day in your life, regardless of colour. Women wore the richest materials and the best they could afford. The poorest would at least wear their best church dress.

I can get on board with that. I’ve bought expensive outfits for balls and work events, so it makes sense to spend more on the outfit I wear on the day of my marriage. As my future mother-in-law advised (perhaps concerned at my penny-pinching plans) “you can buy some things for your very best wedding day”.

It seems white only became fashionable thanks to royalty (but of course) and slowly it seeped into the general consciousness. It’s actually wasn’t originally meant to symbolise virginity or anything so pure (blue was the colour for that) but that meaning seems to have become synonymous even as the bridal virginity requirement has vanished from Western culture.

So really it’s just tradition. And no doubt it will evolve. It already is thanks to celebs (the new royalty?) such as Jessica Biel and Reese Witherspoon, who have encouraged pink to creep up as a wedding colour (no, no, no and no). So I could go traditional and expected or I could get some guts and pick another colour (making sure to ban guests from wearing it so I can stand out in my chosen hue.)

Hours of thought have already gone into this without even trying a single thread on. I can’t see it ending well.

Last week: Don't Tell the Bride - The spreadsheets of joy