She loves me, she loves me not

I've fallen for one of my good friends but she has a long-term boyfriend so I've decided to back off. But she's always contacting me and trying to spend time with me as if she's interested. When we're together she almost disassociates herself from her boyfriend. And when we're all out together, she spends more time with me than him - it's almost like we're the couple! He is insecure and lately always insists on being there when we meet up. I don't get on with him that well so I have been avoiding meeting with her. But she is always getting in touch. Advice please!
Chris

Kevin says:

I'm familiar with this dilemma because I watched it happen in the TV show The Office, in which you are played by likeable loser Tim. I recall he got the girl in the end, but that's only because it was a Christmas special and they wanted to spread cheer. Sadly, you are not living in a TV Christmas special. So let's consider the possibilities…

1) She loves you - hooray!
2) You have a wild imagination - oops!
3) She is the biggest tease since Janine Butcher - ouch!

It's worth getting to the bottom of this because, currently, of the three participants in this love triangle you are in the least enviable situation. They get to be a couple and cuddle each other, while you are confined to the periphery and turning in desperation to sarcastic dating columnists.

Backing off was impressive and sensible, but it sounds like you'd be better off knowing how this girl feels, rather than being forced to assume. So why not just ask her if she feels the same as you. Four things could happen…

1) She is delighted and dumps her man - result!
2) She is nonplussed and laughs - sob!
3) She says she fancies you but also loves her boyfriend so it's a non-starter - cow!
4) Her boyfriend overhears and he karate kicks you between the eyes - hai-ya!

So no guarantee of a happy ending, but you will at least get peace of mind. And I wouldn't worry about not emulating Tim, he may have got the girl but he hasn't done anything funny since The Office.

[See also: 10 ways to dump someone]

Christine says:

I'm not surprised he's insecure and doesn't like you much, if this were the animal kingdom he would be circling his lair and weeing up tree trunks by now. And if she knows it bothers him then that's even worse. She obviously likes you. You don't constantly contact people you don't like unless you're a private detective or a Barclays call centre worker, but it's whether she likes you as more than a friend.

Maybe she's trying to make him jealous or trying to make a play for you or - and here's the weird thing - maybe she doesn't mind that her and her boyfriend don't get on very well. If I had a pound for everyone I knew that appeared to be in a terrible relationship only to hear they're getting married, then I'd be able to buy another house just so I can have any post redirected there that looks like it might be a wedding invitation.

Don't forget one person's nightmare relationship is another person's 'he's alright most of the time'. It's not so much an 'I do' as a 'you'll do'. Just because from the outside it looks like these two aren't communicating, that might be the way they like it. Maybe they come together at the end of a night and have loads to talk about. Let's face it, something is making her stay with him otherwise why doesn't she skip off into the sunset with you?

I am always surprised how many people try and work out other people's feelings by guesswork, speculation or reading Mystic Meg's horoscope page; 'Scorpio: Love will arrive in a purple van'. If you want to know what she's feeling and if you have a chance with her, then you are going to have to take her to one side and ask her what she's playing at. That might be what she's waiting for, and if she's playing at using you to make her boyfriend jealous then you'll soon find out.

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