Should you get back together with an ex?

Dear Lady and the Scamp,

I have split up with my girlfriend of three years and it was quite amicable, so I'm wondering if we can continue sleeping together while we look for someone else? But I'm not sure how to broach it. We won't be hurting anyone just by continuing the physical side for a bit, will we? She's not 'the one', but I do miss the sex.

Alex

Kevin says:

It's a nice little idea on paper, but so was Jimmy Carr's tax avoidance scheme. In reality, it could be a regrettable episode that leaves all concerned feeling silly and grubby, like Jimmy Carr's tax avoidance scheme.

I think the only way this can work is if you draw up official rules of engagement for both parties to follow. A bit like a marriage, or a 'sex marriage'. Then your ex can't complain when, for example, she finds out you went on an online date three hours after you polished off her Crunchy Nut Cornflakes following an overnight visit.

But even if you find a workable solution that allows you to stay single while sleeping together, I'm not sure it's advisable. True, keeping sex ticking over with an ex means you'll be less likely to resort to tawdry one-night stands with bus drivers.

But on the other hand, you might get a bit complacent looking for someone new if you've got ex-sex on tap. Another problem is that you were seeing each other for three years, so there are bound to be 'feelings' involved and this makes it more likely someone will get hurt.

I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with trying to have your cake and eating it as long as you're honest about it. So by all means run this 'friends with benefits' idea past her. But be warned there's a good chance she will respond by either crying or laughing, which are equally bad outcomes. Maybe you should just retain the nice sex memories of the past three years and not be greedy about it. That's what Jimmy Carr wishes he'd done, anyway.

[Related article: How to move on after he has moved on]

Christine says:

I don't think there are many real differences between men and women any more — apart from the obvious (that and liking spiders). It's pretty equal these days, we can all have high-powered jobs, be in the army, be Prime Minister, or say, become the fattest person in the world. But there is still one thing that I don't think women are as good at as men, no not wheelies - sex with no emotion attached.

It's well documented that men can sleep with women they know, women they don't know, women they hate, women who are asleep, women who are made of latex and so on. I'm not saying men wouldn't rather do it with someone they loved but in the meantime most would take one of the above.

Women generally are slightly fussier. We can't help it, that's just the way we're made. Now the fact that she knows you and obvious had feelings for you might mean she is up for this arrangement. But if she is, I will bet you she will see this as a good opportunity to try and win you back. If she doesn't want to get back with you, I am pretty sure she will say 'no frickin' way'.

Unfortunately women struggle to maintain regular sex (I'm not talking one night stands) with the same person and not want it to become more, even if they start off with great intentions and cries of 'friends with benefits!' It is a genetic affliction. There is very little separation between sex and emotion for most women and where no emotion exists we would normally rather have a cup of tea and download an erotic novel.

So try if you want to, she might be an exception. But the chances are you are going to end up hurting her and giving yourself a load of unnecessary hassle in the process. Stop being so lazy and go and meet someone else. Or get yourself a latex lovely who definitely won't want to stay and cuddle.