How to move on after he’s moved on
Dear Lady and The Scamp,
I recently convinced my ex bf to go on a date with one of my best friends out of guilt, as I was seeing other people and he wasn't. Turns out they hit it off immediately and now they're together. Before we used to talk about everything but recently all we do is argue and I feel so angry he got with my friend. My friend sleeps around a bit and isn't really right for him. I have told him this but he doesn't seem to mind. This is really getting me down as I feel betrayed and that I have lost a really good friend in my ex. What do I do?
Jess
Kevin says:
I can't help feeling you might be partially responsible for this pickle. In the same way that, for instance, a man who downs 15 Jägerbombs is partially responsible for walking into a lamppost on his way home from the pub. And your protests now ring as hollow as his the next morning, when he blames the inventor of Jägerbombs (I think it was Eammon Holmes) for his hangover.
You set them up! And it's now clear you only did that to make yourself feel better, rather than to help the ex you claim to be such good friends with. In fact, virtually everything you've said paints you as a rubbish friend.
You have no right to feel betrayed. It's like the drunk man screaming at the lamppost after bumping into it: "You've betrayed me, lamppost! I've hurt my head, why didn't you move out of the way?? You know this road is on my way home. You tosser."
I'm sure you can salvage these friendships by being nicer; I'll take a wild guess that the arguments you've been having are mainly down to your jealousy. You don't want to go out with him, so why can't someone else? Why can't you just be happy for them?
Instead you're actively trying to break them up, you swine. Your friend's promiscuous past is irrelevant, unless you have evidence she's currently cheating on him with some other hunk. Then, and only then, could you blame this on Eamonn Holmes instead of yourself.
[Related feature: The origins of jealousy]
Christine says:
Oh dear, oh dear. We have created a mess haven't we. So let me get this straight, it's OK for you to move on but not him? Yeah I get it, makes sense. You did something to ease your guilt and he's only gone and messed it up by liking the girl. Unbelievable. What a selfish arse!
You feel betrayed not because they have done anything wrong, but because you don't like not being the centre of his attention anymore. You want to have your cake and you want to eat it, while having some kept nearby in an airtight container that no one else is allowed to touch in case you might need some cake later. Then you give away the cake and spend your time being angry that other people have cake. For God's sake, put the cake down!
You haven't lost a good friend. I imagine you can still be friends with him if you stop trying to control who he goes out with. It's not up to you to decide who's 'right for him' unless you have some arrangement whereby he has to run all girlfriends by you for approval. No, didn't think so.
This is your fault for arranging this in the first place so if you're angry at anyone it should be you. At the very least you've learnt a valuable lesson. If you want to get back with him then tell him, if you don't then leave him alone to be happy because you're sounding like a bit on a, erm, fruit cake.
