Dear Lady and the Scamp,
I recently started to fancy my friend. We've been meeting up every week and we always say goodbye with a hug. I had just about gained enough courage to ask her out when she told me she was a lesbian. Inside I feel as though a part of me has just gone. But I still have feelings for her. Is this one of those things in life where you have to grin and bear it? Or shall I tell her that I like her even though I know she is a lesbian and see what she says?
Dean
Christine says:
There is about as much point in you telling her you fancy her as there is in me sending a carrier pigeon to Johnny Depp's house with a note saying 'now that you're single, how about it?' In fact there's probably slightly more point in me doing that as although there's more chance of me winning the Euromillions, at least I'm pretty sure he likes women. And hey, you've got to be in it to win it.
The thing is she didn't say 'I'm confused' or 'I'm bisexual' or even 'you have lovely eyes', she said she likes women. This means unless you used to be called Deana, I'm guessing you won't be her type. By telling her about your stirrings you run the risk of damaging your friendship, which isn't good if you already feel bereft by this news. It could be even worse if she finds your revelations too much and tries to avoid you in supermarkets by ducking behind the loo roll.
Even if she still wants to be friends, at the very least you'll be putting her in an uncomfortable position, and not the kind either of you would like. No one wants to have to tell someone they're not interested as it's awkward and embarrassing. If she really means a lot to you, you won't want to do that to her.
So I'm afraid you really will have to grin and bear it, just like I have to deal with my love for Christopher Biggins. I'm going to stick to people I know it's possible to have. I might start by emailing John Travolta and see if he wants to go on a date. Worth a try, right?
[Related article: How to know if she really likes you]
Kevin says:
Yeah, you could see what she says. Just in case she says she wants to marry you even though she is a lesbian and not remotely attracted to you. Or that she wants to invite you to a sexual experimentation evening with all her lesbian friends. That would be good wouldn't it? So yeah, you could try. The only problem is that the above responses are about as likely as a knighthood for John Leslie.
The more probable outcome is that she says she is not interested because she likes girls. But is that so bad?
Personally, I don't understand why straight people get upset when someone they fancy turns out to be gay. There's nothing you could ever have done to change it, so why worry? It's like fancying a frog, or some stairs. If your sexual advances were rejected by a frog, would you mope about it? No, of course not. You'd simply accept that it couldn't possibly work out and move on. (I'm not saying lesbians are the same as frogs by the way.)
It's far worse when someone straight turns you down, because that means that you're not sexy or you're rubbish in some way. But a straight man can't compete with a lesbian when it comes to wooing lesbians.
So I think grinning and bearing it is your best option here. You've evidently gained her trust as a friend if she's just told you about her sexuality, so why go and ruin it with this futile bombshell? Just stay friends and focus your romantic attentions on someone more suitable. Not a frog.