Dear Lady and The Scamp,
My boyfriend is the most perfect guy I've ever met, I love him so much. But I'm ashamed to admit I've started really fancying another guy who I'm friends with. There's no way I would ever cheat on my boyfriend, but I can't stop thinking about this other guy. To be honest, if I hadn't met my current boyfriend he'd be exactly what I'm looking for in a partner. I don't love him and I know it's just a crush but I can't stop it. It's unforgivable to want someone else like this. Should I avoid him even though we're great friends, or tell my boyfriend and deal with the consequences?
Yours,
Ashamed and Confused
Kevin says:
Alas, you can't stop yourself fancying someone. I found this out to my cost when I developed an irrational crush on Eamonn Holmes aged 14 (I was 14, not him). There was something about the cheeky glint in his eye, his screen presence, those muscles. I guess they call it 'star quality'. I was bewitched, even though I'm as heterosexual as John Terry. But I knew nothing could ever happen. So I just dealt with it and moved on, which is what you have to do.
There's no shame in being physically attracted to people who aren't your boyfriend. It happens to everyone. But not many can say they're in a loving relationship with a 'perfect' man, so consider yourself lucky.
What you can't have is both guys. Well, you can, but that would involve having an affair. And it seems that wouldn't be worth it, as you don't even love the other chap.
Avoiding him isn't a bad idea - it's obvious he's more than a friend. Or else stay in touch but accept you will never see him naked. He might not be interested anyway.
I wouldn't bother telling your boyfriend. Sure, it's good to be honest. But he probably also has secret crushes. Maybe he fancies a colleague, or gets aroused whenever he sees your mother's breasts. Would you want to know that?
Whatever you do, don't collect newspaper cuttings and photos of the guy and make a shrine called "Sexy Eamonn". Because when your dad finds it, it will be awkward.
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Christine says:
Hmmm why is it something doesn't ring true about your protestations of love. For someone that loves her boyfriend 'so much' why are you sizing up the other options? We can all find other people attractive but surely the fact that you love your boyfriend and he is so damn perfect begs the question: why would this other guy even get a look in?
Seems to me you're not being as truthful with yourself as you should be. The fact that you're even asking if you should confess gives me the impression you're trying to sabotage it so you'll be free to cop off with the other guy.
Let's face it, if you're not going to act on this crush then there is very little point in telling anyone about it. It's not like telling your boyfriend you still have a huge crush on Ralph Macchio from Karate Kid. That's different because it's never actually going to happen, believe me I've tried.
Telling him you're having increasingly urgent feelings for someone you know in real life is much worse, because it could easily happen and you will start to put doubts into his mind as to whether he can trust you. Avoid this other guy as much as possible, or at least try not to be on your own with him if you think something might happen.
We are not animals, we have evolved into conscious decision making human beings and if you really feel that way about your boyfriend then make the decision not to ruin it. Either that or enter them both in a martial arts fight and see who wins. It's what Mr Miyagi would do...
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