Glastonbury 2014: What To Spend Your Money On Instead

Glastonbury 2014 is fast approaching and if you weren’t one of the lucky few who managed to get tickets, you’re probably feeling a little depressed right now.

Well, at least until they announced Metallica as headliners.

While the annual party on Worthy Farm is undeniably a right old knees up that everyone deserves to experience at least once, we couldn’t help but notice how expensive the whole thing is.

We’ve done the sums and (despite being in total denial of how much we actually drink at festivals) we’ve broken it down thusly:

Ticket - £215
Return train fare from London - £55
Two-man tent - £25*
Sleeping bag - £15**
Booze – Pre bought £60 + bought on site £100 = £160***
Food - £100****
Toiletries - £10
TOTAL - £580

That’s rather a lot of money for five nights in a (probably) damp tent, watching a tiny matchstick Dolly Parton and drinking wine from a box.

So instead of crying into your New Balance trainers that you didn’t get a ticket, think about what you could buy with all that cash you’ve saved…

1.    Splash out on a pair of Louboutin Pigalle heels – £425

2.    Invest in three pairs of Kate Middleton’s favourite LK Bennett heels - £195 x 3 = £585

3.    Stock up with 38 tubes of Mac’s Ruby Woo lipstick - £15 x 38 = £570

4.    Scoff two and a half tins of Beluga caviar - £215 x 2.5 = £537.50

5.    Alternatively treat 121 of your mates to a KFC Fillet Tower meal - £4.79 x 121 = 579.59

6.    Sip a 2005 Cristal Magnum  - £450

7.    Or pop down to Sainsbury’s and fill your trolley with 250 bottles of Basic Cider - £2 x 250 = £500

8.    Then use those 500 litres of cider to fill 3 kids paddling pools - £8.49 x 3 = £25.54

9.    Fans of Made in Chelsea could be neighbours with Binky et al if they rent a one bedroom flat in Belgravia for a week - £575

10.    Opt for luxury and spend a night at The Ritz - £541

11.    Re-enact your own version of The Hangover with two nights in a suite in Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas - £555

12.    In fact, you can get flights and accommodation for three nights in Sin City staying at the Stratosphere - £573

13.    How about a week in Ibiza staying at a 4* hotel? - £570

14.    Or a week of rest and relaxation a 5* hotel in Marrakech - £544

15.    Hotfoot it over to Walt Disney World in Florida for a week. We’d much rather be rubbing shoulders with Mickey Mouse than a tipsy, Chanel-clad Lily Allen - £560

16.    That Glasto money can even get you all the way to Thailand for a week, staying in a 4 star hotel in Bangkok - £578

17.    Failing all that you can adopt 4 dogs from Battersea Dogs home and be happy forever - £135 x 4 = £540*****

Who needs Glastonbury eh?

*Admittedly this will buy a pretty rubbish tent
**This too would be crap
***Realistically, you could add another zero to this
****We’ve surmised that after the first two mornings eating cereal bars, you give in and eat £8 bacon rolls morning, noon and night
***** A dog is obviously for life and not just a replacement for a festival. Plus the love you’ll get from your pack of pooches will outweigh any pleasure you glean from watching Kasabian in the rain. But then again, anything would.