Love in the movies vs. love in real life: seven dating situations that only happen in films
How morning breath, the perils of the iPod shuffle and mid-sex snot are overlooked by Hollywood
Films are set to be big news next week thanks to that little award ceremony going on. And what happens a lot in films? Love: lots of big ol’ cuddly love. But after watching lots of films and living 24 years of real life I have come to notice a slight discrepancy between the big screen and actual real living that I would like to share…
Things that only happen in films point one:
In films, people can hear each other in nightclubs. Leaning casually on the bar (which they obviously found a space at) the two share a real ‘connection’ in excellent lighting.
She chucks him a wry smile as he entertains her with his subtle witticisms – they are having a right hoot! They will almost definitely delete their Tinder profiles by morning.
Actual life?
Squashed in a corner after queuing for a drink for twenty minutes she spends her time shouting ‘Whaaat?’, living by the rule of three: If she still hasn’t heard on the third ‘Whaaaat?’ then just laugh in his face.
Laughing covers most bases.
Failing this, the fledgling couple may retire to the smoking area, which is much more acoustically appropriate - an area geographically overlooked by much of Hollywood.
Things that only happen in films point two:
The romantically linked sit in silence exchanging knowing looks in between gazing at stuff. This can be accompanied by tender hand holding.
This just doesn’t happen, not to me anyway.
The closest real life gets to this is spooning and I think this is something we could all agree on – real life could do with more spooning.
In real life we get bored and go to Nandos.
Or to the cinema, to watch other people exchange knowing looks in between gazing at stuff.
Things that only happen in films point three:
No one in a film ever lost grip while attempting shower sex.
Nor did they ever do a snot on their sexy cuddle partner while on top.
Things that only happen in films point four:
Morning kissing is encouraged and desirable in Hollywood.
This comes despite the fact that if we are all being honest, morning kissing is rank.
Unless you sneak up five minutes before, brush your teeth and slick on some lip gloss and then pretend you have just woken up.
But even then he still stinks of bile.
Factor in a potential hangover (dry lips, fuzzy tongue, actual bile?) and it’s just a no go area.
Things that only happen in films point five:
The mythical women of film wear make-up at all times – having great shower sex, freezing on the side of a mountain, when taking make-up OFF…
Sadly, real women do not.
Well, they can but then they get spots and conjunctivitis.
Saying that, sometimes we will lie, say we’ve taken it all off, fooling you men into thinking what natural beauty we possess.
Before waking up with spots and conjunctivitis.
Things that only happen in a film point six:
No one in film land ever encountered the perils of iPod shuffle after attempting the ultimate sexy playlist.
Not to be specific but no one in a film ever encountered Like a G6 at the point of climax.
Things that only happen in a film point seven:
Finally, the ol’ classic: dashing through airport security to declare your undying love.
Some real life lad did actually try this, probably after watching endless repeats of Love Actually on ITV2.
No one clapped, no old lady wiped a solitary tear from her eye. Instead, the terminal went into lockdown and around 200 flights were cancelled or delayed and he had to do a whole load of community service.
Yep, sh*t got real.
Finally, why I deserve an Oscar this week:
I most certainly deserve Best Actress for my role in When That Twat aka Accident Gives You Back Your Bra In Front Of Everyone at a Party.
I put in a solid performance, chuckling at the pseudo-hilarity, I didn’t even cry.
I just hope the Hollywood Foreign Press agree.
Read MORE tragedy (if you can face it):
[Grandad kisses, LinkedIn and Edward Norton: All the signs were there, yet I chose to ignore them all]
[How I found myself spending Valentine's Day parked in my drive-way in yesterday's knickers]
