The truth about ‘it’s not you, it’s me’
A few weeks ago we discussed various methods of dumping someone, but it seems from the comments that some of you have confused 'methods' with 'excuses'. For example, telling your partner, "I can't commit" is not a method, it's an excuse. A method would be more like having them committed.
To clarify the difference, I decided to list 10 excuses for dumping someone. But while compiling the blog I realised the issue was too complex to cover in one list. So instead I will tackle men's break-up techniques in a series of blogs. The first is dedicated to the classic dumping line: "It's not you, it's me" aka — the INYIM.
"It's not you, it's me" has become a cliché reason to split up with someone. But it's no joke; INYIMs are utilised daily as tools of heartbreak, with most break-up excuses a variation on this theme.
The INYIM is popular because it's impossible to defy. If the break-up excuse laid culpability with the person being eschewed — e.g. you are dumped because I hate your glasses — then they could do something about it, like get new glasses or have laser eye surgery.
We can change ourselves, but we are powerless to combat an INYIM.
INYIMs are also designed to soften the blow of dismissal. They are less likely to spark arguments and hurt your partner's feelings, which makes them perfect for cowards.
Another thing about INYIMs is that they are inherently vague. The biggest risk of employing an INYIM is that you may be asked a follow-up question... most commonly "why?"
This is fine if the INYIM is genuine but if it's not — which is normally the case — you'll have to make something up.
Bearing this caveat in mind, here are five classic INYIMs that chaps like to use (and they work both ways so feel free to try them out on men)…
"I need time for myself, to sort myself out"
This hints at unspecified personal demons, potential mental illness, solemn contemplation... an apparently noble reason for opting out of a relationship, suggesting you do not wish to burden your partner with your existential malaise.
Translation: I want to have sex with other girls.
"I'm not looking for a relationship"
This involves convincing your jettisoned partner that love, warmth, companionship and regular sex are not your bag. You would prefer to sit on the sofa in your pants watching Top Gear repeats and eating Pringles. You're taking yourself out of the game. No one can have you.
Translation: I am looking for a relationship, just not with you.
"I'm in a bad/weird place right now"
Now you're stepping it up - insinuating you are deranged/depressed/psychotic. You don't have to be specific, just say you don't want to talk about it a mysterious and/or tragic way. To make it more believable you should either cry or display erratic behaviour, like carrying a stuffed cat around and referring to it as "Dad".
Translation: I'm so worried about how you'll react to being dumped that you've forced me to resort to pretend insanity.
"I'm going away"
This is more of a practical INYIM than a psychological one. Explain that you won't be around much longer and therefore you must reluctantly end the relationship. You could reveal your plans - options include travelling, change of career, terminal illness, prison, a training camp in Pakistan — or you could just leave it open. Just make sure she doesn't bump into you in Sainsbury's a few weeks later.
Translation: I never want to see you again but I am too scared to say it.
"I'm scared of commitment"
Similar to the relationship excuse (above) but there is a subtle difference. Whereas that was about bad timing, this is a deeper issue. You are stunted, disabled — incapable of giving yourself entirely to another. Therefore, you will be forever denied love and happiness. It's not them, it's you.
Translation: I am looking for a relationship, just not with you. Plus, I want to have sex with other girls.
Next week: 10 more excuses to break up with someone
10 ways technology can ruin your love life
10 people you shouldn't ask out
How not to break up with someone
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