When treating girls mean goes wrong
Treat them mean, keep them keen. I've always thought that was quite a wise phrase. And if you gave me a quid for every time I've seen it proved right, I'd be able to buy — something. Like a nice pair of jeans, or a coat.
I don't tend to treat girls mean on purpose, I normally do it inadvertently. They love it. Or so I thought, until this week.
After my last date with Carina, she texted me as soon as she got home, saying she had a nice time and breaking the 'x' barrier. I responded in kind. That was on Friday night. We exchanged a couple more texts in the coming days and agreed to go out on Wednesday week. She asked what I had in mind for our date. I replied four days later suggesting dinner (I'm very imaginative). So far, so smooth. But no.
Carina replied the same evening saying she didn't want to go out with me any more because my "lack of effort/communication" gave her doubts about my keenness.
I was astounded. This just hadn't happened before. Sure, girls had chastised me for not getting in touch after I'd slept with them. Or girlfriends had complained I wasn't making an effort. But no one had done it after two chilled, wholesome dates where not much happened.
Four days, I had waited, to reply to Carina's latest message. I wasn't letting her stew on purpose; we'd already agreed to meet on Wednesday. I was just busy. But still, four days. Is that unacceptable?
I replied to Carina and told her she was wrong - I was keen - and asked her to reconsider. She refused, saying that if this was me being keen, she'd hate to see me when I wasn't keen. She said she'd felt "foolish" when I didn't respond and was clearly "too high maintenance" for me.
By this point, weirdly, I was rooting for her. I thought it was excellent that she was having a go at me and dumping me. Her honesty and willingness to pull the plug so drastically was refreshing. Girls so often make excuses for guys who don't contact them much, overlooking the glaring sign that 'he's just not that into you'.
[See also: What to do when he likes someone else]
In my case, though, the reason for the four-day gap was that I was genuinely busy. So I made one final plea to ask her out again, which she accepted.
So it turned out alright in the end. But the episode has caused me to re-think my views on the treat them mean strategy. I don't like playing games but I've long suspected there is an optimum 'reply time' to a message — and that if you always reply instantly it looks like you've got nothing better to do.
But these days, communication is so quick and easy that there's not much excuse for slothful message sending. In fact, by taking ages to respond it may seem like you're purposely trying to play it cool — which is by definition uncool. And as for tactically waiting two days to respond — that's just a bit silly.
I still think the 'treat them mean' theory is a wise one, just not in text messages. You can save being mean and horrible for when you meet them in person.
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