Young couple talking to each other © RexNot for the first time, I've had a million dollar dating idea that I am giving away for free because I can't be bothered to do anything about it.
It was inspired by a story I read about Parisian women going window shopping for men. Although this appears to objectify men, I decided that I wouldn't actually mind standing motionless behind a window while women perused me. It's easier than having to chat them up.
It got me thinking about speed dating. I've never been speed dating (although I will clearly have to write a blog about it eventually) but it's always struck me as a clever concept with a glaring flaw: you have to endure lots of awkward conversations with strangers who might be idiots.
So here is my million dollar idea: silent speed dating.
This idea is as simple as it is brilliant. In fact, it's so good that I just searched "silent speed dating" to check it doesn't already exist. And for some weird reason, it doesn't. Even though it is The Future. Not a bright and happy future, admittedly. It's more a future where humanity plunges new depths of shallowness and degradation. But I didn't say the idea was perfect — not ethically, anyway. So, here's my pitch to whichever callous sod wants it…
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Silent speed dating
A group of 100 men and 100 women enter the silent auditorium, which is separated into two by a glass panel. The boys are on one side of the panel, the girls are on the other.
The men take up positions in the 100 numbered slots on the glass panel, while the women file past. Each couple gets 15 seconds to look at each other, before the girls move on to the next slot.
Speaking is forbidden, gesticulation is allowed. Smiling is recommended, spitting is discouraged.
During the 15 seconds, the guy and girl decide whether they want to speak to their counterpart behind the glass at a later date. Then they mark down a Y or N like they do in speed dating (I think?).
And that's it. It is exactly the same as speed dating, but it's even quicker. It makes speed dating seem slow.
I realise this completely removes the opportunity to get to know each other, but that's why it's good. Singletons go on these things to meet someone they fancy, not to waste time getting to know people they find funny looking.
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You get a few minutes to speak to someone in speed dating, but that's too much. You can generally work out within five seconds whether you might want to go on date with someone.
If you're really in a hurry, there could be an even faster version of silent speed dating. You'd have just five seconds looking at each person and you'd have to make a snap decision and write down a Y or an N. They could call that Instinctive Speed Dating. Wow, that's another brilliant idea. I'm actually considering not even publishing this blog now and just pitching it directly to Donald Trump. I can't imagine that he wouldn't offer me money for it.
And his overheads would be minimal. All you need a long room with a panel and enough oxygen for 200 people to breathe (and in some cases, pant). Let's say the men pay five pounds each, the women enter for free. Times that by 100 and someone's getting rich. As I said though, it won't be me because this type of thing is not really my bag. If you've got Trump's email address though, send him the link. Cheers.