The sexy tube website that leaves men crushed
Regular readers of this column, if there are any, which there aren't, will know that I have a chequered history of trying (and failing) to pull girls on public transport. So you can imagine my excitement on hearing about new website Tubecrush.net, which is basically a load of photos of fitties seen on the tube and secretly snapped by their admirer in the carriage.
I went straight online to view this trove of travelling totty but on seeing the hotties within, my enthusiasm quickly dissipated to be replaced by feelings of emasculation and worthlessness. With each page I scrolled through, the feeling grew.
Firstly, it's all men, which is sexist. Secondly, it's an invasion of privacy - each specimen is blissfully unaware he's being papped. Thirdly, it's brazen objectification of men, with photos accompanied by demeaning innuendos like, "this guy has a package that won't fit in a normal letterbox".
[See also: The top 10 biggest turn-offs for men]
But the thing that hurt most of all about Tubecrush - that made me want to hurl my laptop across the room in self-righteous fury - was that I wasn't on it.
There were several images of hunks snapped on the Northern Line yesterday, sitting there with their jeans and their biceps. But I was on the Northern Line yesterday! I'm a regular frequenter of London Underground vehicles. Yet I was nowhere to be seen on Tubecrush.net. What had I done wrong?
On my commute the next morning, I wore a stylish outfit the ilk of which I'd normally don when heading to Finchley's swankiest nightspots, and took my seat. I earnestly flicked through pages of the Metro as if I was reading the collected works of Keats. I looked smoulderingly up at an advert for office air conditioners. I pensively stroked my stubbly beard, while darting nonchalant, sultry glances at every woman or possible gay man in the carriage. If I saw someone fiddling with their phone, I'd tense my stomach muscles, lean back, part my thighs slightly and gaze thoughtfully into the middle-distance.
On returning home, I logged on to Tubecrush, eager to see how I looked. Nothing. Not a single one of those girls or possible gay men had taken my photo on the tube. Or if they had, I had been rejected by the website's elitist proprietors for being deemed lower than a 6 out of 10 (this is the site's attractiveness cut-off point).
And this is why Tubecrush is an enemy of London's men.
Sure, it's great for the beefcakes who make it on there, as one — a personal trainer called Ed - remarked on being a star of Tubecrush, "I've become a bit of a legend since!" Well good for him. But what about the other dudes in the carriage? Some Tube crushes are actually photographed while sitting right beside other men, who are completely ignored! Imagine being one of those poor sods. Seeing half of your face cropped out in the corner, unacknowledged.
And the longer this website exists, the worse it will become for these unsexy saps. Each day, more and more buff geezers will adorn the pages of Tubecrush while the same losers will be continually overlooked. They will endure a daily routine of slumping glumly into their seats while cameras flash all around them — but never at them.
It's only a matter of time before someone snaps, if you'll excuse the pun, and the Tubecrush backlash begins. Offended, saggy-cheeked men will confiscate the phones of teenage girls whom they merely suspect are papping prettier passengers. Exhibitionists will unfurl snake-like genitalia on the Victoria Line in the vain hope of becoming an internet hit. Soon, chaos will reign on the underground because of Tubecrush — you mark my words - and nothing anyone can say will change my mind until I bloody appear on it.
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