Two weeks ago to improve my success with the ladies, I came up with some failsafe answers to questions I commonly get asked on dates. This week, as promised, I have switched roles and devised some good questions to ask. Their purpose is to find out if a girl is really "the one".
I devised this cunning list by thinking of the things I really wanted to know, then translating them into questions I could ask in a natural and nonchalant manner.
Real question: Would you mother my children proficiently?
Question asked: "What did you have for breakfast?"
Before you can look after babies, you should be able to look after yourself. So if she ate something nutritious with sunflower seeds and blueberries, I will be encouraged. But if she ate a bag of Skittles at her desk at 11.25am and then subsisted on coffee until lunchtime, I'd keep my sperms away from her eggs. Incidentally, eggs would be a perfectly acceptable answer to this question.
Real question: Can I trust you?
Question asked: "Could you watch my bag while I pop off to make a call?"
I will leave for 20 minutes, long enough for her to get annoyed about it. Inside the bag will be a packet of Maltesers and a kitten (alive). Later on, I will count the Maltesers to check she didn't eat any of them. She must also not have allowed the kitten to escape. True, the creature may want its freedom and have difficulty breathing in a confined space. But the point is that she shouldn't have looked in the bag in the first place.
Real question: Are you humble?
Question asked: "What is your greatest talent?"
This is a trap. It gives the girl a chance to show off, but I don't like show-offs. If she blushes and says "Well, I can make a mean cheese sandwich" or "I have no talent" this will be endearing. But if she bangs on about being a superb team leader or claims she can speak perfect Italian, I will simply walk away.
Real question: Will we have nice sex?
Question asked: "Are you a fan of Gary Barlow's music?"
This question is laced with a delicious innuendo as it is well-known that Gary Barlow makes sex music. "GB" is a sensual character whose lyrics, including all the words utters in everyday life, are sexual metaphors. If a girl says no to this question, I know she'll be as frigid as a tortoise. But if she says yes, sexual fireworks are guaranteed, especially if Gary is playing on the stereo.
Real question: Are you intelligent?
Question asked: "If Steven has four apples in his pocket and he gives one to Barbara and eats another one, how many apples does he have left?"
If a girl smugly replies, "two", that's not enough for me. Sure, Steven might have two apples left, but she should be more inquisitive and analytical. For instance, does Steven have any more apples elsewhere, such as in a suitcase, and are these included? Who is Barbara? And what kind of enormous pocket is big enough to fit four apples in? Is this guy wearing bloody pantaloons, she should say. And if so, why is he wearing them?
[Related feature: How to know when you are in the 'friend' zone]
Real question: Do you have a good sense of humour?
Question asked: "What's your favourite Jeremy Clarkson joke?"
This is a clever trick question because Jeremy Clarkson is not a comedian. So if she says "I liked it when he said that thing about Mexicans on Top Gear, hahaha" that means she has a poor sense of humour. But if she castigates me for asking such a stupid question, then I will be impressed and we can both laugh together at Jeremy's expense.
Real question: Are you politically sound?
Question asked: "What's your favourite Jeremy Clarkson joke?"
If it transpires from the previous question that she is a big fan of Clarkson's work, such as his advocation of firing squads for public sector workers who go on strike, then I can probe further and learn more. For instance, if she cites amusing anecdotes from Clarkson's books as further evidence of his genius and wit, I will be able to safely assume she votes Conservative and that she supports the genocide of environmentalists and other hippy idiots. You can tell a lot about a person based on their opinion of Jeremy Clarkson.
Real question: Are you nice?
Question asked: "What about all these asylum-seekers, eh?"
I am giving her the choice of two paths: empathy or spite. An ability to show empathy with the vulnerable is a prime indicator of niceness. Even if she believes the UK's border controls are too lenient, she at least has the opportunity to suggest nice alternatives for people seeking asylum, such as the creation of an Immigrant Butlins on Guernsey. Not necessarily that exactly, but something like that.
Real question: Are you sane?
Question asked: "What's your favourite food?"
This seemingly innocuous poser is a good way of weeding out lunatics. If she chooses a standard foodstuff such as chicken, dumplings or cauliflower cheese, then our chances of marriage are high. But if she names objects unfit for human consumption, such as chairs or lightbulbs, I will be able to deduce that she is as mad as hell.