There's a new iPhone app called Bad Date Rescue which provides a fake incoming call giving users an excuse to "graciously bow out of a date that isn't going well". It's a good idea but it's hardly original - girls I go on dates with have been getting their friends to do this for years. So I thought I'd come up with some dating app ideas of my own. These are all copyrighted as of now and if anyone tries to steal them, my team of lawyers will come down on you harder than Christian Grey's kinky whip.
This is pretty simple. While your disappointing date is in the loo, you log on and see if there are any other people on dates in the vicinity. If they are similarly unsatisfied, you can suggest swapping so that the two dullards end up together and you are free to hobnob with your fellow app user.
I'm on a crap date, get me out of here!
This emergency app would be invoked if you are too polite to extricate yourself from a terrible date. At the press of a button, your location would be tracked on GPS and within 12 minutes people would arrive to forcibly remove you from the premises, to your apparent surprise. You could choose your captors: terrorists, men in white coats, an anti-paedophile swat team. Whatever, it will be a great story for the person you had jilted, easing the disappointment of your sudden departure.
This is a simple app that prompts your phone to vibrate when you have been talking solidly for a pre-set amount of time. Useful for chatterboxes, or anyone oblivious to the fact that they are quite boring.
[Related article: In the search of the beautiful people]
Say the right thing
With this app, you type in the words your date has just said and it provides you with the perfect riposte for that specific situation. So if she says, "I hate my legs, they're so chunky", you'll get a text advising you to reply: "I think you've got great legs, they're athletic." Or if she says "My rabbit died when I was child and I'm still in mourning", you'll get a text saying: "I'm sorry to hear about the demise of your friend, he sounds like a special creature and you are dealing with your loss with great dignity." Obviously they would need to employ a team of writers more witty and charming than me for this.
Red dot dating
I had this idea when I was about 14 and am choosing this moment to reveal it to the world. Back then, it simply involved red spots magically appearing on all the girls who wanted to sleep with me. The point was that it would prevent me wasting my time trying to pull girls who weren't interested; I could just target the ones with the red spots on their head and everyone would benefit. At the time this was pure science fiction, but nowadays I imagine it would be quite easy — you'd just get app users to give each other a mutual red dot, like a tick in speed dating.
Do I smell?
Prior to a date, you wave the phone around your body and it detects any unsavoury aromas that may be related to you. And it will know what smells to look for — so around the armpits its senses will be honed for BO and when the phone is near ground level, it will look out for cheesy feet or rancid knees.
If there is a lull in the chat, you press a button that generates a text message to your phone — purportedly from someone you know — with an interesting piece of news that you can announce and use as the starting point for a new conversation. For example, "Wow, my friend is going to appear on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" or "Apparently there are rumours flying about that Cilla Black is a hologram".
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