Dating - not unlike a job interviewFollowing last week's revelation that I am rubbish at giving sexy replies to common date questions, I have devised answers that I hope will improve my chances of securing romantic liaisons with women who ask me questions…
What music do you like?
It depends on my mood. Sometimes I want to devour the classics: Debussy, Schubert, Bach. I always say you've never made love until you've done it to Chopin, ha. At other times, I just want to let off steam. At the moment I'm listening to various minimal dub punk bands you probably haven't heard of: Wind Tunnel, Goldfish in Control, The Hot Desks, Tony Hawks. I have quite a critical ear for music because I dabble in it myself. I don't like to talk about it really. I've got some interest from record labels but it's silly really, like I said I don't like to talk about it. I know it's a weirdly broad range of tastes. I'm quite complex.
What was your last relationship?
It's a bit embarrassing but it's been a while for me. Four years. My last girlfriend… it's hard to talk about but she was killed… in Iraq. She was on holiday there, I told her not to go but she thought it would be a good place to lose weight. God I hate war. Especially that one because she died, but I detest all the other ones too. It's so futile. Before her I had lots of girlfriends, during which time I gained a lot of experience sexually. But that's all been pent up for four years while I've been grieving. But I think I'm finally ready to put that pain behind me. I'm ready to unleash my love again with someone special.
Whereabouts do you go out?
I have a lot of friends so I'm out quite a lot, although I try to get to the gym first or to my cage-fighting class. A good mate of mine is pretty big in films. He gets invites to a lot of events in Soho so I've kind of fallen in with that crowd a bit. It's good fun, although those Hollywood types can be a bit OTT. I find the rest of central London so mainstream these days. I prefer to hang out in my local, which has a kind of vintage, 16th century, trendy feel with a jukebox and great roasts. It's kind of tucked away in an edgy, tree-lined street in a part of Hackney most people don't know about.
Why are you doing online dating?
Well, what happened was, one of my good friends thought it would be hilarious to sign me up for it. I didn't even know about it! So it wasn't me who chose that photo where I'm looking into the sunset in Laos, with the two top buttons of my shirt open. My mates are always doing things like that. They're crazy but I love them like brothers. Yes you're right, I guess it was quite insensitive of him to put me on a dating site given that my last girlfriend was killed in Iraq. And I was about to delete the account until I saw you. I thought those sites would be full of losers, but you seemed different.
Do you take drugs?
What is a drug? Alcohol, tobacco… do you count those as drugs? Ambition, lust? What about love? Is love a drug? Lemsip, that's a drug. Facebook is a drug. Sure, I may have tried drugs: I've had some pretty wild times. But those highs are synthetic. Sometimes I feel more intoxicated by life. Life is like a cocktail of drugs. Do you ever feel that? You look like sometimes you do, there's a kind of knowing in your eyes. Or is it a sty? No, it's knowing. No, I haven't taken any drugs today.
With these brilliant replies in my locker, I expect to be married before the year is out. I can see now that it pays to be prepared.
Next week, the questions you should always ask on a date…