Blog Posts by Dan Juan

Young couple talking to each other © RexNot for the first time, I've had a million dollar dating idea that I am giving away for free because I can't be bothered to do anything about it.

It was inspired by a story I read about Parisian women going window shopping for men. Although this appears to objectify men, I decided that I wouldn't actually mind standing motionless behind a window while women perused me. It's easier than having to chat them up.

It got me thinking about speed dating. I've never been speed dating (although I will clearly have to write a blog about it eventually) but it's always struck me as a clever concept with a glaring flaw: you have to endure lots of awkward conversations with strangers who might be idiots.

So here is my million dollar idea: silent speed dating.

This idea is as simple as it is brilliant. In fact, it's so good that I just searched "silent speed dating" to check it doesn't already exist. And for some weird reason, it doesn't. Even though it is The Future. Not a bright and happy future,

Online first dates are weird. An evening spent with a total stranger, during which you are trying to work out if you could ever love them. This is an impossible task by definition, yet you can't help but try. So you're constantly re-evaluating their suitability, often on a minute-by-minute basis.

I became helplessly aware of this phenomenon on a recent date with Connie, of whom my opinion fluctuated more wildly than the weather on a 2012 British summer's day...

[Related feature: Why women shouldn't lie about their age on dating sites]

I watch her approach, my eyes and brain hurriedly processing every atom of her being. Is she fit? She looks OK I think. Is she like her photo? Kind of. She is here now and I give her a polite greeting kiss. She speaks. Yes, I think she is fit.

She has a habit of unnecessarily elongating her laughs. So she'll say something, then laugh for about seven seconds while looking at me. This is too long. I stopped laughing after about three seconds, which is a

Not 100% perfect? Next!Y! Lifestyle's serial dater wonders if he's too quick to find fault with his dates

Last night I was lying in bed flicking through the final pages of Jean Paul Sartre's Nausea. (Forgive me for starting this week's blog with the most pretentious opening line ever.) Don't laugh, I was. In it, a comment about love made a hefty impact on me:

"It's quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don't do it."

When you put it like that, it all sounds a bit daunting. I'm not sure I approach love with any of the three traits mentioned. And in any case I've ruined it now by thinking about it. So thanks for that, Sartre, you plum.

The quote brought to mind an argument I have perpetually with friends over whether I am genuinely looking for a loving relationship.

They say I'm not,

Young woman with iPadA girl friend of mine, Anna, is going through the daunting/depressing/exciting task of creating her first online dating profile. Naturally she turned to me for advice, as she knows I've been lurking among the internet desperados for a while.

I gave her the standard tips: pick a nice selection of photos, don't show off, don't use the phrase "I work hard and play hard".

But the main question she had was: "What age should I be?"

I was genuinely appalled, and I told her so. She should just use her real age, obviously.

"But I'm 33 and the competition is hot, I have to say I'm younger," was her response.

At this point I feel I should vouch for Anna's character. She is a very nice, honest person. I am certain that if she were to sell you a sofa or a cat, she would never make it sound better than it was in order to dupe you into buying it. Any cat you purchased from Anna would be in good physical condition and would not constantly throw up or attack children. And if this wasn't the case, Anna

There's a new iPhone app called Bad Date Rescue which provides a fake incoming call giving users an excuse to "graciously bow out of a date that isn't going well". It's a good idea but it's hardly original - girls I go on dates with have been getting their friends to do this for years. So I thought I'd come up with some dating app ideas of my own. These are all copyrighted as of now and if anyone tries to steal them, my team of lawyers will come down on you harder than Christian Grey's kinky whip.

Date swap
This is pretty simple. While your disappointing date is in the loo, you log on and see if there are any other people on dates in the vicinity. If they are similarly unsatisfied, you can suggest swapping so that the two dullards end up together and you are free to hobnob with your fellow app user.

I'm on a crap date, get me out of here!
This emergency app would be invoked if you are too polite to extricate yourself from a terrible date. At the press of a button, your location would

My date with Monica got off to a bad start — for her.

We were both standing outside Angel tube station, not knowing what the other looked like, when I sent her a text saying I was next to the bank.

I then watched an attractive leggy brunette, phone in hand, make a sheepish beeline for a nearby gentleman who was taller, younger, cooler and more handsome than me.
I could see what was happening but it was too late for me to stop her and the guy brushed her away dismissively. Then she turned and saw me bounding towards her, grinning.

I was never able to recover from the disappointment she clearly felt at that moment.

To be fair to her though, her chagrin was barely detectable - she was positively charming.

And so was I. Often when faced with very hot women I get tongue-tied, but for some reason on this occasion I was in great form — or at least what I thought was great form.

We sat down to get a drink and I could barely keep the smile off my face. This was easily the nicest-looking woman

Among the various seedy tasks incumbent on the dating blogger is trawling the internet looking for quirky sites that might be worth testing out and writing about.

A few months ago, I found one such site. It was called Find Your Face Mate and its unique matchmaking shtick was that of bringing together partners with similar facial features. Humans are naturally drawn to people who resemble themselves, apparently.

It sounded a bit arrogant, not to mention creepy, to want to go out with someone who looks like you. But then again I'd been on various dates with girls I considered uglier than me, so maybe this would at least be a step in the right direction. I uploaded my face and awaited the deluge of hot lady Dan-a-likes.

[Related article: Why online dating is so addictive]

Two weeks later, I received an email: Dan Juan, you have a new FaceMatch!

I logged on, excited to see a) if the girl was hot and b) if she actually did look like me. I was surprised at my match's identity for two

Two weeks ago to improve my success with the ladies, I came up with some failsafe answers to questions I commonly get asked on dates. This week, as promised, I have switched roles and devised some good questions to ask. Their purpose is to find out if a girl is really "the one".

I devised this cunning list by thinking of the things I really wanted to know, then translating them into questions I could ask in a natural and nonchalant manner.

Real question: Would you mother my children proficiently?
Question asked: "What did you have for breakfast?"
Before you can look after babies, you should be able to look after yourself. So if she ate something nutritious with sunflower seeds and blueberries, I will be encouraged. But if she ate a bag of Skittles at her desk at 11.25am and then subsisted on coffee until lunchtime, I'd keep my sperms away from her eggs. Incidentally, eggs would be a perfectly acceptable answer to this question.

Real question: Can I trust you?
Question asked: "Could you